Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink. Submitted by: Irene Pellegrini Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please! Submitted by Marco Morales, Mexico Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing? A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for? Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother. Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow? What have you been doing? Johnny: Nothing, sir. Headmaster: Exactly. Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi. B: The elephant is dead. A: Was he your pet? B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave. Submitted by Joe, from Indiana A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
You usually talk for two hours. What happened? Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. Submitted by Mahmoud Zeidan When I want to teach the coulors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer: Phone rings: "Green, green! Little Johnny: But I asked first! Goldfish 2: Of course, I do!
Who do you think changes the water? Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No. Man: I could go to the end of the world for you. Woman: Yes, but would you stay there? Man: I offer you myself. Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you. Woman: Let's start from your bank account. Submitted by kara dolson Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it. Submitted by Fred G. Stone Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot. Submitted by Jim Sperling The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you. English Student: I like it very much.
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more? Do you know the way to the zoo? Student: Well Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual! One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda.
The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches.
The student: I walk. You walk The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please. The student: I run. You run Submitted by: Mouhssin Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces. A: Eggs. B: No, that was yesterday. Submitted by: Janekt Ho A: Why are all those people running? B: They are running a race to get a cup. A: Who will get the cup? B: The person who wins. A: Then why are all the others running?
Doctor: Drink this glass of water. Patient: Will it make me better? Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks. Submitted by: Rizwana Lahore Pakistan Said to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule? Submitted by Kyle Jefferson A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this? B: It's because your feet aren't empty. Submitted by Kyle Jefferson Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself. Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies? Besides jokes, find funny photos and funny videos. Great archive so far, years of collected jokes.
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